Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The myriad of differences between being long-lived versus living.


The day has come years too early; the one where one walks along a sidewalk of a crowded street and sees an eighty-year-old woman walking to the same beat, with the same fallen shoulders, with the same look of constant apprehension that he or she has oneself.

I discovered today that I walk from destination to destination completely reliant on this woman's cane.

I discovered today that I cannot smile without feeling my cheeks stiffen.

I discovered today that I have been robbed of years and years. While those who have lived as long as I begin to stiffen in their fingers and knees, I will have already began stirring in my grave.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The never-ending parent saga


I may never know if the circumstances truly called for a second chance or not, but it seems to me that they have never deserved it.

We argued today. Well, it was more of me being yelled at for once. Usually I do my part in the fighting, I'll admit, but today was different. My sister wanted to go see Sex and the City and I was really, really tired. I told her I'd go but if she was willing to go another time, I'd prefer it. So she went and told my mom that I refused to go and my mom flipped out.

Basically, my parents locked me in their bedroom and yelled at me. Their list of complaints for the evening: I am the most self-centered person they've ever met. My life is so perfect and my family is so great that I have no room to complain about anything (yes, these words actually came out of my mom's mouth). I asked to leave and my dad told me that if I did, my head would meet the wall. He then continued to tell me that I am the sole cause of all of our family's problems. Financial, emotional, blah blah blah. All of it.

Usually, I fight back. Usually, I will raise my voice back at them, stand up for myself. Tonight was the first time in three years where for all of the literally ten minutes I got yelled at, I covered my face with my hands and just waited it out.

I am sick of taking the blame for things that aren't my fault. I am smart enough to know when I push the line or when I truly deserve the grief they give me. I know when to back down, succumb to their ideas, even when I disagree. I know when I'm in the wrong and I usually take accountability for my part, although I never do so without pointing out their fault in a situation too. Tonight, I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. Tonight, I realized that I am a completely different person from three years ago, but they haven't changed. There are many reasons for why this is... but nevertheless, I cannot handle it.

I just... don't know what to do. I can't handle this. I can't handle any of it, and I especially can't handle it alone like I have been.